Beer FactsIt was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon". Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's". Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer". After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.The Famous BantaBanta was bragging to his boss one day," You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?""Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough,Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says."President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House, Bush spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first."Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies."Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from Poland, and I have known the Pope a long time." Sothey fly to Rome.Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Banta says, "This will never work. I cannot catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I will come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His bosslooks up and says," I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said," Who is that on the balcony with Banta?" * The Most Gruesome Death There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am." The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me." It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."**Star and comment if you like** **Bookmark it, I'd be adding some more hilarious jokes everyday till question is open**Three tickets:There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So, of course, he also fled.Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you.”Jesus, I'm ComingLittle Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!""What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"***Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.Sensitive Beer Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?""Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies."That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?""No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."There was a very pregnant woman that was shopping in the grocery store. A man came in with a gun and started robbing the store. The lady hid in the frozen foods section, but the man found her. She pleaded with him, saying that she is going to have 3 kids. The man shows no pity, and instead shoots her 3 times right in the belly. The woman is then rushed to the hospital to extract the bullets. When the doctors x-ray her, they cant find the bullets. The woman was sent home and later had her kids. They were all fine. It was 8 years later and one of the woman's little girls comes up to her. She says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." The mother suddenly understands. She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 1 week later, the womans second daughter comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The momThere was a very pregnant woman that was shopping in the grocery store. A man came in with a gun and started robbing the store. The lady hid in the frozen foods section, but the man found her. She pleaded with him, saying that she is going to have 3 kids. The man shows no pity, and instead shoots her 3 times right in the belly. The woman is then rushed to the hospital to extract the bullets. When the doctors x-ray her, they cant find the bullets. The woman was sent home and later had her kids. They were all fine. It was 8 years later and one of the woman's little girls comes up to her. She says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." The mother suddenly understands. She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 1 week later, the womans second daughter comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The momcontinued***The mom says, "What, what happened to you?" The little girl replies, "I was going to the bathroom and i peed a bullet." She replies by telling the girl the story of how she got shot. About 2 weeks after that, her son comes up to her and says, "Mom you will never believe what happened to me." The mom says, "I bet I could." The little boys says, "No, there is no way you could guess what happened." The mom says, "Ok, then why dont you tell me what happened." The boy says, "I was playing with myself and I killed a dog!"
